The strangest thing in bad movies is characters who don’t act human. You’d think this would be easy to get right. After all, one thing we all ought to know is what humans are like. There are all kinds of fictional works, however, that seem filled with details that prove that they were written by extraterrestrials who came to Earth to break into our human entertainment industry. Which, you know, good on them. But maybe they should hire some humans to make sure their work sounds like the humans are real?
The first example that comes to mind is Birdemic. Admittedly, it’s never going to be high art, but it is strange how it’s full of details like “I am now a Victoria’s Secret cover model but everyone acts as though my career is just starting out.” Or the infamous “I definitely have breast cancer” line from The Room. The line is jarring enough no matter what, but the fact that it basically never comes up again is not real. If it’s a big enough plot detail to show up in the movie, it’s a big enough plot detail for the characters to talk about it ever again.
So okay, for all we know, Tommy Wiseau actually is an extraterrestrial who came to Earth to break into our human entertainment industry. Fair point. Still, you’ve doubtless been watching a movie or something and thought, “Wait, humans don’t talk or act like that.” And it’s weird. Surely that’s the easiest thing to get right. Because we’re not talking language barrier, here. Even if The Room had to be translated out of Akiridian or Esperanto or whatever, the bigger issue is the wildly varying conversation and the implausible actions.
And maybe that’s normal wherever Tommy Wiseau comes from. Sure, okay. Maybe “leave your comments in your pocket” is a saying there. Is there, though, anywhere on Earth where you can just give a half-hearted “sorry” after you’ve almost thrown someone off a building? Or to pick a less easy target, why does Barbra Streisand’s character in A Star Is Born seem to find using Schlitz cans as candlesticks romantic? Why does Hayley Mills keep going to surf movies with Canoe in That Darn Cat? Why does Fred Astaire’s character decide to treat Ginger Rogers without her knowledge or consent in Carefree?
Sometimes, the answer is “comedy,” as with Hayley Mills. Sometimes, it’s “to drive the plot,” as with Fred Astaire. However, is that enough of an answer? If you’re just thinking that Hayley Mills should stay home instead, are you laughing? If you’re waiting for Fred Astaire to lose his medical license, are you interested in the plot? Sometimes, the movie can survive it. Sometimes, it can’t. And sometimes, you end up with a cult hit where people are discussing why anyone would hang pictures of spoons on their walls.