There seem to be recurring themes in children’s cartoons. Certain lessons are popular. When I was a kid, it was mostly of the “these are the people in your neighbourhood” variety, though I did also live through the decision to teach us about death, which is a major moment in the history of children’s television. Still, one of the things they teach kids these days is about the importance of sharing. That’s a good, valuable lesson, and one my kid needs to learn. I’m just a little hesitant at the extent to which the shows seem to value it.

Kids are inherently selfish, I think, and that’s okay. After all, when they’re born, when they’re babies, there’s nothing they can do for themselves. They need other people to take care of them at all times. And so we do, and so, as they get older, we teach them that they are not the center of the universe and life gets much better if we treat other people with respect and decency—and, yes, share what we have. It’s a lesson kids need to learn, and their TV can teach them that as well as anything else their TV teaches them. That’s great, and I respect it.

I have, on the other hand, started to be bothered by exactly how they’re showing these kids sharing. The episode in particular that gets me is one of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. The kids (and kitten, and tiger cub, and you get the idea) are playing with cars. Or they’re supposed to be, only one of them—Prince Wednesday, I think—has forgotten to bring a toy car, so he can’t play with toy cars. Everyone else has one and only one. Wednesday is sad, because he can’t play the way the other kids are. So he wants one of the other kids to loan him a car. But since that means that kid won’t have a car to play with, none of the others want to.

When I saw this episode, I was completely on the side of selfishness. Yeah, Wednesday would be left out. That would suck for him. But, you know, lesson learned—if you forget your supplies, you can’t do the thing. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not everyone else’s job to make you feel less uncomfortable about the consequences of your actions. If they choose to share, that’s fine, but they shouldn’t feel obligated to. Or you could play the announcer while the other kids play car race or something; there are ways that don’t involve anyone having to give up their good time to make up for your negligence, and that’s even without getting into “oh, so it’s the prince who everyone has to make allowances for?” But no—the others would all take turns at loaning him their car so he never had to go without.

It’s the balance. A little healthy selfishness, or perhaps a way to adapt the situation so that everyone gets something they want. Usually, in these episodes, the thing that the kid wants to share cannot be used by two people at the same time. This isn’t “can I have a bite?” This is “we both want to use the thing.” Well, you can’t both use the thing at the same time, so someone is going without. Yeah, you can sometimes find ways to make it work, but sometimes, you can’t, and one kid is going to be disappointed. Except they never are, on the show, for more than a few seconds. Enough to show the emotion and deal with it.

Or suppress it, which is what I think part of my other problem with this is. My son is a child of deep emotion. Even when he’s acknowledged that he needs to share, he’s still sad, and that sad doesn’t go away after a token protest. And that’s okay. How exactly he acts on it isn’t always, and we’re working on that, but there’s no reason for him to feel that he isn’t allowed to feel his feelings. It’s like all those tiresome people who tell you to cheer up because other people have it worse. You are entitled to feel what you feel. How you act on it is up to you, but your feelings are what they are.

Sharing is important and valuable. But you don’t have to share with someone you believe will destroy your things. You don’t have to share with someone who is neglectful and expects you to make up for it. You don’t have to share with everyone every time. There is a balance, and if these shows can’t teach that, maybe they shouldn’t try so hard to teach total submission.