(or: How I realized that I actually am too old for this shit)

Sixteen Candles was a staple high school movie for decades. Many high schoolers from 1984 through the 90s were raised on John Hughes movies, identifying with the white suburban protagonists as the one cinematic reflection that truly got what it was to be a high schooler. Even though John Hughes movies used broad characters and easy to identify storytelling beats (that would eventually be repeated to the point of tropism), his movies featured teenagers groping for their own existence as they struggled against whatever powers they perceived.

Through my wayward youth, I’ve seen the vast majority of John Hughes movies both directed and written only. But, up until this week, I hadn’t caught up on Sixteen Candles. John Hughes’ directorial debut was about a girl growing up and coming of age despite all efforts to negate her existence. Sam Baker’s (Molly Ringwald) 16th birthday happens to be the day before her older sister’s wedding, and everybody plum forgets about it. At school, Sam is being chased after by a Freshman dork while she lusts after a senior with a girlfriend. It’s the usual high school movie: classes, a big party or two, and trying to figure out who you are and what you want while all your sexual hormones are on overdrive. See also: American Pie.

But, I found Sixteen Candles insufferable. One can argue whether John Hughes was reflecting society or dictating it, but Sam Baker has almost no agency in this film. In fact, compared to most of John Hughes’ films, Sam Baker is downright pathetically neutered. She whines and kvetches that her family forgot her birthday, but then refuses to remind them in the hopes that they’ll come around on their own, while dropping passive aggressive hints. She is sexually assaulted by The Nerd, but then gives him her panties so he won’t be humiliated in front of his peers (why?!). She can’t even bring herself to talk to the object of her affection even when he acknowledges her. In comparison, both Ferris Bueller and the geeks from Weird Science at least try to make their own reality. The geeks might be ineffectual, but they still know how to make their fantasies real. Ferris Bueller may be the height of entitlement, but he’s going out there and taking names. If only John Hughes could write girls with so much agency and determination (Weird Science‘s sexbot Lisa might come closest to a female Ferris).

Almost everybody in this movie can suck it. The sister is a selfish asshole (who the fuck schedules their wedding the day after their sibling’s birthday?!), the parents are too fixated on status and the wedding, one set of grandparents molest their granddaughter for laughs, another set has a Chinese houseboy named Long Duk Dong. The Nerd sexually assaults Sam and then maybe does the same with The Senior’s girlfriend. The Senior actively gives the so-drunk-she’s-passed-out girlfriend to The Nerd. The only character who cuts through this pile of bullshit is Sam’s younger brother, who constantly ridicules the script, calling it out for what it is. I think we’re meant to read the whole film as filtered through a teenager’s sense of alienation and disgust (no matter how far from the truth it may be), but it’s not a filter I found endearing.

Sixteen Candles is a product of its age, but even with that concession it feels incredibly dated. I honestly didn’t get the appeal. And, that’s why i think I’ve aged out of the high school movie. I am going to have a hard time justifying a statement that that something feels authentically teenage anymore. I think I have just aged out of the genre. Maybe I would have liked Sixteen Candles and found it a defining staple of my cinematic diet when I was a teenager. But, I can’t really know that.

Sixteen Candles is currently streaming on Netflix.