Merry/Happy Christmas, everyone! In honor of the holiday, here is my undisputed, completely logical* ranking of the various relationships in Love Actually!
*There will be no refunds. Please don’t annoy the androids. Chiron Beta Prime is a paradise for your protection.
- Daniel, Sam, Joanna, and Carol (Liam Neeson, Thomas Sangster, Olivia Olson and Claudia Schiffer) – It’s all very sweet and lovely and expresses grief well as Daniel processes losing his wife, Sam’s mother and being a solo stepfather to a son who has a schoolboy crush. Neeson and Sangster have absolutely terrific family chemistry. No notes on this one.
- Harry, Karen and Mia (Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson and Heike Makatsch) – He runs an office where Mia is his secretary who keeps coming on to him, Karen is his loving wife, and he makes moves to start an affair. Harry is an ass who deserves to be frozen out and I defy anyone to not well up how Emma Thompson plays the Joni Mitchell scene.
- Billy Mack and Joe (Bill Nighy and Gregor Fisher) – An aging former rock star trying to make a comeback with a terrible Christmas version of one of his hits, accompanied by his manager. One of my favorite parts of the movie, where they realize they are a platonic couple and how awesome that can be. This was my first big exposure to Nighy and my god, he just explodes on screen.
- John and Judy (Martin Freeman and Joanna Page) – Maybe the goofiest part of the movie, as two stand-ins in what is either a softcore film or some BBC movie that dresses up the nudity as being classy (I see you, The Tudors) fall for each other. It’s very sweet and silly.
- Colin and the American girls – A doofy guy fantasy that has a weirdly good cast of women in the fantasy, like Jessica Jones and Eliza Cuthbert and Denise Richards (who I maintain should have a much better light comedy career). No real drama here, just silliness. Extra points for their version of Milwaukee that was obviously filmed in London but borrowed every piece of Budweiser stuff they could find to make their “American bar.”
- David and Natalie (Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon) – He’s the new Prime Minister, she’s the coffee lady for No 10 Downing Street, he realizes how much he’s into her and then…has her transferred to avoid some embarrassment. It turns out OK, but my god this is a massive HR issue that the opposition would jump on in a second. Also, some fatphobic comments about her thighs. (Which are nonsense, McCutcheon looks amazing in this movie.)
- Jamie and Aurélia (Colin Firth and Lúcia Moniz) – Acted very sweetly by both as he’s a recently broken up writer (and good lord his girlfriend sleeping with his brother feels weird as hell) who is writing his novel in Portugal and she’s his housekeeper, but this one feels just a little bit icky as the years go on. And this one REALLY has the fatphobic jokes in the finale as he meets her sister.
- Sarah and Karl (Laura Linney and Rodrigo Santoro) – Coworkers at the graphic design firm headed by Alan Rickman’s character, they finally hook up at the office Christmas party and are about to really get down…and then her brother calls. It’s obvious that she and her brother are Americans who feel alone in Britain after their parents have passed and he has issues (it’s implied that he has developmental issues and he’s obviously at a home of some sort). So he keeps calling. And calling. So she, because she wants to be a good sister, keeps answering. This is the storyline I have the most problem with, really, because I have that brother. But I don’t stop my life for him. But I understand why Sarah with no one else in her life feels she can’t. But also, good lord, unnamed facility, why do you let her brother use the phone all the time? But even more so, WHAT THE FUCK KARL? You get interrupted once by a family emergency and you give up?
Here is where I break off the rankings because I’m really not sure where to place Mark and Juliet (Andrew Lincoln and a shockingly young Keira Knightley). She’s just married his best friend (and I wish there was just a little more Chiwetel Ejiofor in the movie) and it gets gradually revealed that Mark is obviously in love with Juliet. There’s a wonderful scene where she comes to his flat, looking for the wedding video he was filming that he’s been putting them off on, watches it and in a fantastic piece of face acting from Knightley, she sees how Mark filmed her and that it’s a video of unrequited love. But…it’s also kind of creepy. And then we get their climactic scene, where he comes to their home and through placards, proclaims his love and then walks off saying, “Enough now. Enough.” But you didn’t have to do that at all, dude! Just let it be! Look, I like this movie, but that moment is stalky and weird and I wish it wasn’t in the movie.
Look, it’s not a perfect movie. But along with Die Hard this is one of those Christmas movies me and my wife share and I always have a soft spot for it.